Parenting Pitfalls

This is a photo recreation we did on my son's 16th birthday.  He was always such a serious little guy with an intense stare ... recreated without difficulty as a 16 year old.

Sorry for getting a little personal here, but ….

Shortly after giving birth to my son, I was holding his tiny, new body, taking in his miraculous beauty, when my new-mother-bliss suddenly evaporated and I was left with the horrifying realization that … I was responsible for keeping this little human ALIVE!!! This hardcore reality was incomprehensible in the moment, and I couldn’t believe I’d been so arrogant to think I could take on such a monumental responsibility.

Fast forward 16 plus years, and I look back at that time as so simple, so straightforward. Parenting a teenager is so much more complicated and scary.  Now my role as a parent requires that I help him stay safe, and healthy, and informed; that I talk to him and reflect back to him, and help him reflect on himself in a healthy and productive way. I, by all means, do not expect a perfect child, and I try to be appreciative of all of the mistakes he is making, taking comfort in thinking how many lessons he is learning along the way! However. It’s amazing how I beat up on myself when I start comparing him to the children of my friends. Why isn’t he running for student government? Why isn’t he pursuing lacrosse recruitment camp opportunities? Why isn’t he applying to be a U.S. Senate Page? Why isn’t he studying for the SATs? (He prefers to “wing it”.) Why this? Why that? It is a vicious and horrible rumination, and surprisingly hard to pull out of to focus on the fact that: my son is a caring, compassionate, hard working, and kind human being. Period. But as much as I know and value this about him, I still find that when I talk to friends with teenagers, or if I’m on dreaded Facebook, I compare, compare, compare. I can’t seem to avoid it.  

My problem is not unique- quite the contrary, it is part of the human condition. I’m guessing you may be able to relate all too well to my experience. So, I want to share two simple things that have helped me gain a healthier perspective of my parenting, and of my children. And I am hoping, in the vein of “Symbiosis,” that you will share in the comments section what has helped you with this issue.

First, I have created my own little informal parenting support group. I have three friends that I talk to about my parenting struggles and concerns. These three friends have been carefully vetted (unbeknownst to them): I need them to have similar parenting approaches as I, so that I can more readily put into practice suggestions they may offer; have similar values as I, so that we don’t slip into conversion tactics; and have kids that aren’t complete rock stars that will frankly just make me feel bad about myself. These friends listen to me, validate my concerns, and help me problem solve issues, while reminding me what great kids I have. I’ve gotten better and better at turning to them for support when I get in my beat-myself-up mode (which is still fairly often).

Second, I require weekly one-on-one time with each kid. We all have busy schedules, so we fit it in as best we can. It can be helping me make dinner, playing a board game or cards together, taking a walk in the woods with the dog, weeding, or even driving in the car (captive audience, no escape!). It has to be one-on-one for it to count (although the dog is the exception), and it has to be at least a half hour. I more often than not get an eye roll when I remind them it’s time, but they are always appreciative afterwards. Really appreciative. Every. Single. Time. And as a counselor I know that doing something with someone else allows for much easier conversation, as opposed to sitting down and talking. The discussions that have come out of these times have been meaningful, meaty, difficult, and amazing. That’s when I can truly gain appreciation for the person my child is developing into, and have a much better understanding of what he needs from me.

So there is that. As I said, I would love to hear what parenting hacks and helpful hints you have come up with to help with your sanity. There are all kinds of parenting books, blogs, articles, and podcasts out there … but the community of families that we have right here all around us is a treasure trove of knowledgeable experience. And if you’d like to spend some time with some of these fantastic, experienced parents who love to share and learn our “best of” parenting ideas, join our Parenting Workshops that we have in the library here at the Middle School.  There are two coming up - one on Wednesday, March 28, and the next on Thursday, April 5. Both will be from 5:30 to 7:00, and will include childcare. We have Rick Stockwell presenting, and then time set aside for discussion and idea sharing. It’s a fun and informative community event, and a great opportunity to meet other families in the district, who are likely struggling with some of the same parenting challenges as you. I would love to see you there.