Parenting Pitfalls

This is a photo recreation we did on my son's 16th birthday.  He was always such a serious little guy with an intense stare ... recreated without difficulty as a 16 year old.

Sorry for getting a little personal here, but ….

Shortly after giving birth to my son, I was holding his tiny, new body, taking in his miraculous beauty, when my new-mother-bliss suddenly evaporated and I was left with the horrifying realization that … I was responsible for keeping this little human ALIVE!!! This hardcore reality was incomprehensible in the moment, and I couldn’t believe I’d been so arrogant to think I could take on such a monumental responsibility.

Fast forward 16 plus years, and I look back at that time as so simple, so straightforward. Parenting a teenager is so much more complicated and scary.  Now my role as a parent requires that I help him stay safe, and healthy, and informed; that I talk to him and reflect back to him, and help him reflect on himself in a healthy and productive way. I, by all means, do not expect a perfect child, and I try to be appreciative of all of the mistakes he is making, taking comfort in thinking how many lessons he is learning along the way! However. It’s amazing how I beat up on myself when I start comparing him to the children of my friends. Why isn’t he running for student government? Why isn’t he pursuing lacrosse recruitment camp opportunities? Why isn’t he applying to be a U.S. Senate Page? Why isn’t he studying for the SATs? (He prefers to “wing it”.) Why this? Why that? It is a vicious and horrible rumination, and surprisingly hard to pull out of to focus on the fact that: my son is a caring, compassionate, hard working, and kind human being. Period. But as much as I know and value this about him, I still find that when I talk to friends with teenagers, or if I’m on dreaded Facebook, I compare, compare, compare. I can’t seem to avoid it.  

My problem is not unique- quite the contrary, it is part of the human condition. I’m guessing you may be able to relate all too well to my experience. So, I want to share two simple things that have helped me gain a healthier perspective of my parenting, and of my children. And I am hoping, in the vein of “Symbiosis,” that you will share in the comments section what has helped you with this issue.

First, I have created my own little informal parenting support group. I have three friends that I talk to about my parenting struggles and concerns. These three friends have been carefully vetted (unbeknownst to them): I need them to have similar parenting approaches as I, so that I can more readily put into practice suggestions they may offer; have similar values as I, so that we don’t slip into conversion tactics; and have kids that aren’t complete rock stars that will frankly just make me feel bad about myself. These friends listen to me, validate my concerns, and help me problem solve issues, while reminding me what great kids I have. I’ve gotten better and better at turning to them for support when I get in my beat-myself-up mode (which is still fairly often).

Second, I require weekly one-on-one time with each kid. We all have busy schedules, so we fit it in as best we can. It can be helping me make dinner, playing a board game or cards together, taking a walk in the woods with the dog, weeding, or even driving in the car (captive audience, no escape!). It has to be one-on-one for it to count (although the dog is the exception), and it has to be at least a half hour. I more often than not get an eye roll when I remind them it’s time, but they are always appreciative afterwards. Really appreciative. Every. Single. Time. And as a counselor I know that doing something with someone else allows for much easier conversation, as opposed to sitting down and talking. The discussions that have come out of these times have been meaningful, meaty, difficult, and amazing. That’s when I can truly gain appreciation for the person my child is developing into, and have a much better understanding of what he needs from me.

So there is that. As I said, I would love to hear what parenting hacks and helpful hints you have come up with to help with your sanity. There are all kinds of parenting books, blogs, articles, and podcasts out there … but the community of families that we have right here all around us is a treasure trove of knowledgeable experience. And if you’d like to spend some time with some of these fantastic, experienced parents who love to share and learn our “best of” parenting ideas, join our Parenting Workshops that we have in the library here at the Middle School.  There are two coming up - one on Wednesday, March 28, and the next on Thursday, April 5. Both will be from 5:30 to 7:00, and will include childcare. We have Rick Stockwell presenting, and then time set aside for discussion and idea sharing. It’s a fun and informative community event, and a great opportunity to meet other families in the district, who are likely struggling with some of the same parenting challenges as you. I would love to see you there.

Social Media and Body Image

When you think of social media, is the first thing that comes to your mind a selfie?  You know, the fish face with pursed lips?  Why do we take these pictures?  Better still, why do we post these pictures?

I read an article posted by Common Sense Media called "Is Social Media Giving Your Teen A Negative Body Image?"  The article was written in 2014 by Caroline Knorr and you can read the full text of it here.  Her thoughts are that students are seeking body image validation.  She comments that students learn how to edit and alter their photos from a very young age.  She references a statistic that 80% of 10-year-olds have been on a diet.

Common Sense Media offers this article to help your daughter with body image issues and this article to help your son with body image issues.

This infographic offers ways to help your child.

While this article is old (2014), all you have to do is Google social media and body image to find tons of current research.  This is a thing.  Kids (boys and girls) are dealing with unrealistic body image issues because of this early exposure and judgment of their images posted on social media.  Our culture is obsessed with women's looks.  Girls seek to imitate celebrities despite the fact that sometimes the celebrities use surgery, makeup, and photo editing to reach their final "camera perfect" appearance.

Take Away Messages

• Worry about your son's body image as much as your daughter's.  It's not just a girl thing.
• Ban "fat talk" in your home.
• Help your child find a positive social media outlet.
• Focus on healthy living instead of body image.  
• Seek to feel good about your own body image as your vocal dissatisfaction could be projecting to your kids.
• Remember media is very influential so challenge assumptions and stereotypes when you see them on commercials or tv shows.

Social media is meant to offer your child a community to share and be supportive.  It wasn't meant to rob your child of his/her self-esteem or fret about body image.  Social media is a great thing when used productively.  Our kids need our guidance.  Keep your eyes open for this issue of body image with your kids and use the Common Sense Media files as conversation starters.

Please use the comments section to offer advice or to share a story about your experience in moving your child in a positive direction with social media use.

Digital Portfolios as Evidence of ICT Proficiency

As the technology integrator for the middle school and high school, one of my roles is to work with teachers to integrate technology into their curriculum in order to deepen understanding for students on content topics.  Each teacher is at a unique spot on his/her technology journey so the assistance that I provide is personalized.

Usually, when a teacher delivers an integrated lesson, there will be a digital artifact as an output for the lesson.  This digital artifact then ends up in a student's digital portfolio.

At the end of 8th grade, the digital portfolios are assessed for basic ICT (Information and Communications Technologies) proficiency.  If the student's digital portfolio is assessed as proficient, then that student has met the criteria for technology and is able to register for the required 1/2 credit advanced technology course in high school.

There is a reflection component that occurs with major digital projects.  These reflections will become part of the digital portfolio as well.

While students don't always enjoy the reflecting process, it is a valuable experience.  It's very eye-opening for teachers as well to see how students reflect.

One of the reflection questions is often about one of the "habits of mind" (HOM) adopted this year by KRMS.

There are 3 key areas for the HOM:  Being Responsible, Being Respectful and Being Resilient.

On a recent combined project for Language Arts and Science affectionately known as the "Human Body Project," students were required to reflect on the HOM of being a responsible learner.

Here is the specific question:

Q3:  One of the KRMS Habits of Mind is “I am Responsible for my success as a learner.”  This includes being dependable, which is defined on the poster as “being on time, being prepared for class, staying on task, owning your actions and being honest.”  

For this reflection question, offer an honest assessment of whether you exhibited the habit of mind of being responsible or not. Give one specific example of how you did or didn’t exhibit this HOM and one specific piece of advice you will give yourself for your next research project.

Student 1
After nearly 1½ months of research and work, I believe that the Habits of Mind helped me work through this project. “Being on time, being prepared for class, staying on task, and owning your actions and being honest.” These character traits help create the ideas that make up who I am.

Student 2
I think one way I didn’t exhibit HOM was using my time wisely. I got pretty far ahead of my friends, so some of the classes I wouldn’t take full advantage of to finish my project but, to talk to friends. Advice I would give myself next time would be to utilize the time given and try not to exceed time.

Student 3
I believe that I was sort of dependable but I really need to improve on always staying on task. Even though the due date seems far away you still have to put in a lot of work and effort into your presentation. I think next time I do a project I should work on using my time wisely and not wasting time. Some days I would talk a lot with my friends and I have to decrease that time to put more energy into my project.

Student 4
I think that I could have been more responsible with my research. We were given plenty of time in class and I feel that I didn’t appreciate it enough. Next time I am given research to do, I will use my given class time to do as much as I can.

Student 5

I did not exhibit the habit of mind of being responsible. I procrastinated and did not use my class time well most of the time. In the end, I pulled it together really well. For my next research project, I will make sure I do not talk as much and get my work done instead. I am going to try to do better when I do my science fair project.

Ask your child to show you his/her digital portfolio.  It's in your child's Google Account in the Google Sites App.  Some of the students have been collecting artifacts since kindergarten and the portfolio showcases an excellent collection of technology proficiency evidence.  

Check out the reflections as well.

I hope you are impressed with the skills that your child is exhibiting with digital technologies such as completing online research, effectively communicating new information in creative ways, thinking in a computational fashion, and being an innovative designer.  If your child has tech ed for a special, then you will find a dream bedroom design using an online CAD program.  Many students have a collaborative website that they made in 7th grade science class on the water cycle.  Students might also have a video that they created using a greenscreen application.  Some students created a Minecraft world to demonstrate their understanding of their 8th grade reading of The Outsiders.  There is some impressive learning happening with technology.  

Once you look at the digital portfolio, come back and comment on what you have seen.  Ask questions.  Give shout-outs to your kids.  Compliment a teacher.  Give yourself a pat on the back!

Winter Fun!

What a winter we have had!  Below freezing temps for extended periods of time, a ton of snow, and then warmer temps and rain!  That’s New Hampshire!!!  

I thought it would be nice to have some safety reminders, and some fun links to things going on in NH to keep our minds and bodies happy till Spring!

We are so fortunate in NH to have so many outdoor activities to take advantage of.  We have lakes for ice fishing, and skating.  Trails for cross country skiing, snowshoeing and hiking.  Of course downhill skiing, snowmobiling, the list goes on.

As our children get older, they seem to know what they need, or don’t need when they go outside.  If we suggest a coat, they think we are nuts, but if a friend suggests that a coat is needed, boy do they listen!  Lately I am not sure if kids need coats or rain jackets, but always check the weather and make sure you and your children are prepared for the day.

*When going out to enjoy the weather, base layers are key.  Dry, moisture wicking clothing is available at most clothing stores, and are needed to keep our core warm.  Wear a hat!  Ears are easily damaged by frostbite, not to mention that most of our body heat is lost through our heads.

*Stay hydrated.  Dehydration can happen any time, summer or winter.   

*Be safe with any outdoor activity you are planning.  Helmets for skiing, skating, snowmobiling or sledding.  Monitor the wind chill, and check the ice thickness before heading out.

*Sunscreen is a great thing to use even on cloudy days in the winter.  Besides it’s obvious skin cancer prevention benefits, it’s a wonderful frostbite deflector.  It is a barrier that needs to be reapplied during outdoor exposure.   Keep a small tube in your pocket!      Tips for Healthy Winter Safety!

Of course there are a bunch of fun indoor activities too.  One super fun experience that my family enjoys has been ESCAPE ROOMS! Talk about needing to work as a team and getting your brain power on!

Have fun this winter…try something new, and be safe!  

Happy Winter!

       Visit NH!                                                                                      Printable Fact Sheet

Got Common Sense?

Riding on the popularity of the "Got Milk" slogan, I want to introduce parents to an excellent resource for all things digital.  Common Sense Media is a tremendous resource used by the district librarians, technology integrators and teachers for lessons and guidance on navigating the digital landscape.  My hope is that after reading this blog post that parents will begin to use this resource as well.

My first piece of advice is to scroll to the bottom of the page on the Common Sense Media website and locate the area for subscribing to their newsletter.  Now, important new information will come directly to your inbox.  The articles are well written and offer excellent advice.

This is the Mission Statement for Common Sense Media:

"Common Sense is the leading independent nonprofit organization dedicated to helping kids thrive in a world of media and technology. We empower parents, teachers, and policymakers by providing unbiased information, trusted advice, and innovative tools to help them harness the power of media and technology as a positive force in all kids’ lives."

The Common Sense Media website has a full section dedicated to Parents.  The Parent section has a range of topics including reviews of apps, movies, and games.  It also has a Family Guides section that includes information on topics such as Device-Free Dinner, Essential K-5 Guide, Essential Apps and Special Needs Apps.

The Parent section also has a comprehensive Parent Concerns section that includes information on Youtube,  Character Strengths & Life Skills, Technology Addiction,  Screen Time and Cyberbullying to name a few.

What I love most about this information is the positive nature of the website.  Common Sense Media recognizes (as we do at Kearsarge) that technology is important to the life of the 21st-century learner and worker.  The goal is to educate learners and workers on the best practices and safe use of technology.  The goal is not on blocking and withholding access.

Technology allows learners and workers to innovate, create new ideas and products and communicate with a globally connected world.  Technology represents an amazing collection of tools that when used safely and appropriately can truly improve the world.  Education is key and Common Sense Media is a go-to source for timely information that is practical, unbiased and appeals to our common sense!

If you find a resource on Common Sense Media that resonated with you, please share this in the comments section below for others.

Smartphone Use in Schools

Kids and smartphones: This combination is a topic ripe with questions and concerns. Add to

that, kids and smartphones in schools, and the conversation can get even more complicated.

However, with the research beginning to catch up with the ubiquitous use of devices by children,

we can rely on some data to help guide us with helping students to manage these amazing tech

tools.

In my last blog post I referred to the Tech Talk Tuesdays blog as an excellent resource for

updated information on student/technology use issues. Recently, this blog addressed school

policies around phone use during the school day, and the results of a survey were shared in an

Op-Ed written by Delaney Ruston, the Screenagers’ filmmaker. Please follow this link to read

the Op-Ed, as well as to view the CNN interview with Jean Twenge, PhD, author of IGen: Why

Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy -

and Completely Underprepared for Adulthood.   CNN.com Op-Ed 

Our school’s policy on the use of phones currently reads,

Personal Electronic Devices – In special circumstances determined by the classroom teacher,

students may be allowed to bring in a personal electronic device to be used for specific

educational purposes. Students may not take photos or videos without explicit permission from

their teacher. All use of electronic devices, personal or school, is subject to the KRSD

Responsible Use Policy.

Personal Electronic Devices may not be used at any other times during the school day (7:35am-

2:32pm), including in the hallway and cafeteria.

Students are encouraged to make all after school social plans at home so their plans can be

discussed with parents. Students are not allowed to use their personal devices to send or

receive phone calls or messages during the school day.

Our Responsible Use Policy is always evolving to reflect current research and best practices,

and KRMS welcomes parent feedback. We try to maintain a healthy balance in regards to the

use of technology in our school - wanting to utilize the amazing educational tools available to

us, while preserving rich and dynamic face-to- face interaction. Please add your voice to this

conversation and let us know how you feel about the current use of Personal Electronic Devices

in school.

Effective Study Skills

From time to time we will share guest authors with you. This is one of those posts. We asked Rachel Carney and Willow Smith to share their ideas with you, and your students. Enjoy, and please let us know what you think, and as always share your questions and ideas.

We are excited to be guest bloggers for Symbiosis. Many of the skills that we teach to

students with special needs are tools that all students can learn to help them be successful.

We went through and picked out our favorites. Please comment below with strategies that

may work best at your house. We are always adding to our bag of tricks!

1. Agenda- finding a way to organize what you have to do is an important middle school skill.

Agenda skills start in 6th grade when students are given an agenda book. They learn how to

write down homework, upcoming assignments and events. We find that teachers are good at

reminding students to write down assignments, but students are not so great at actually

looking in their agenda to see what they have to do. Please take time each day to help your

child look at their agenda and discuss what is due and upcoming assignments and

assessments.  

2.  Although we provide and teach students how to use a paper agenda, more and more

students by 8th grade are using their Google Calendar. There are many different tools to

use in this calendar to help organize your child. Here is one of our new favorites:

Video on How to Use Tasks on Google Calendar

3. After school schedule- being moms ourselves, we understand that it can be crazy after

school. This is why it is important to have an after school routine, especially with

co-curricular activities. This routine will look very different from house to house but most

should  include some of these: time for a snack, homework, free reading, tech time, outside

play and any other organized activities your child has. We have found if you don’t plan in

the homework, study and read time, they might not fit in! Make sure to actually schedule

this into your child’s routine.

4. How do I learn? The middle school years are when students start to understand who

they are as learners and to develop strategies that what works for them. Please take a

few minutes to watch this video offering some study tips: 5 Effective Study Tips. It is

important to help your child figure out what does and does not work for them. Some kids

work really well late at night doing homework and reading. For others, the work will never

get done and they need to complete it right after school. It is important for your child to

start to recognize who they are as a learner.

5. Goal-Plan-Do-Review- This is a great skills to help students who are weak with

organization and executive function skills. We teach kids to stop before they get

overwhelmed and make a plan. We write down, what do I need to do (goal), plan the steps

needed to finish the goal (plan) and then sit down and start working (do). At the end, we

have them review it. This helps to imagine the steps, creating a concrete amount of time it

will take to complete the task, and problem solve.

Click Here for Goal, Plan, Do, Review Template

These strategies help all students develop stronger executive function skills. These are

important skills for both school, and career readiness success: organization, decision

making, impulse control, project management, time management, adaptability, and goal

setting.

Thank you for allowing us to be guest bloggers. We enjoy sharing our knowledge of helping

students develop effective study skills and sharing them with everyone. Please feel free

to contact us: wsmith@kearsarge.org rcarney@kearsarge.org