Parent Survival Guide
to Middle School
They
say the middle school years are the hardest for kids. I would add that those are the hardest for
parenting as well. Children are
transitioning from child to adolescent, which can feel scary, overwhelming,
exhilarating, and mortifying – sometimes all at once …. And again, I would say
that aptly describes some of the feelings of parenting an adolescent. Things that you were
able to rely on, to count on to get the family through rough spots, may not work
so well anymore. You need to change up
your game, and the rules can feel completely counterintuitive.
Parents
of incoming 6th grade students often feel the need to hold their
child a little closer to protect them from middle school fears, and to
carefully control and monitor their child’s social and academic
transition. When middle schoolers make
mistakes, make a bad decision, or earn a less-than-stellar grade, parents will
often feel the need to jump in to ensure the mistake will never be repeated. And when a middle schooler starts to withdraw
from family members to spend time alone in their room, or chatting with
friends, it’s not unusual for parents to worry that there is something wrong
with their child. Fear and worry abound
and the response is – protect, control, and MICROMANAGE!!
But here is where the rules are different at
this stage of the developmental game. We
need to be thinking along the lines of, how do we help this kid gain a sense of
control of her life? How can we help her find her own inner drive? A low sense
of control is incredibly stressful for anyone, adolescents most definitely included. This is the time when they are working towards
figuring out who they are and what they want in this life, which necessitates a
certain amount of independence and autonomy.
It also means they need to feel that we trust them to figure it out … which,
if we’re being honest, may not be the case all the time. But please, trust that we need to trust!
Believe
me, kids want to keep up with their schoolwork – they feel that pressure even
if they aren’t showing it. And if they’re
falling behind, nagging them will likely drive them to resist doing it even
more. The trick is to give them enough
freedom and respect to let them figure it out in their own way. Remember, our job is not to solve our
children’s problems, it is to help them learn to run their own lives. I’m not saying give your child free rein,
rather I’m suggesting that we enforce limits, while being sure the child perceives
a sense of control.
To
do this we should try to reframe our parenting role to focus on guiding,
supporting, teaching, helping, and setting limits, while communicating with
them that their lives are their own. Try to:
-
keep the lines of communication open, and find special ways to connect with
your child.
-maintain
important routines that bring the family together, e.g. family dinners with no
screens.
-
find opportunities to give your child reasonable choices (voice and choice are
the buzzwords).
-allow
your child to make decisions, but help him make informed decisions. Give him the information and perspective that you
have, in order to enable him to make the best possible choice (properly
informed, kids usually do make good decisions for themselves).
-do
yourself a favor, and delete that Power School App from your phone, and only
check Power School with your child. Your
anxiety will thank you … or I should say will miss you. J
-adjust
your approach to the nightly homework question. Instead of asking, “Do you have
homework tonight?” try, “Is there anything you’d like help with tonight? “Do
you have a plan?” “Have you got it?”
I
fully understand this is not necessarily easy to do, but this approach will
truly help your child become a more confident and resilient person. And middle school is the perfect place for
your child to stumble, make mistakes, and figure it out. The adults here expect that and are here to help
kids learn from failure! A lesson
learned from failure is a solid lesson, indeed.
A
caveat: If a child is depressed or
suicidal, thinking is impaired and we cannot work from the assumption that she
wants her life to work out. This is a
circumstance when we need to make decisions for kids because they are unable to
make reasonable decisions about themselves.
Some
resources I’ve found helpful through this challenging phase …
Podcast: “Mom and Dad Are Fighting: Slate’s Parenting
Podcast” – I love this one. This weekly
podcast has three hosts, that between them have children from age 3 to 18. Each episode begins with the hosts sharing
their parenting triumphs and fails for that week, then goes on to address a
listener question, and wraps up with Recommendations – anything from books,
movies, games, apps, tv shows, etc that the hosts have found to be
exceptional. It’s funny and be forewarned
… *contains explicit language, for the irreverent side of us.
Podcast:
“Launching Your Daughter” – This podcast was created to support
parents/caregivers in empowering their tween and teen girls as they prepare for
young adulthood. This is a new one for
me, and I only listened to the episode where the host interviewed Lynn Lyons
about anxiety. Even though I do not have
daughters, I plan on listening further to this podcast!
Book: The Self-Driven Child: The Science and
Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by William Stixrud,
PhD and Ned Johnson. The title really explains it well. Highly recommended
reading for you parents of middle schoolers.
Book: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
by Gary Chapman. I have recommended this
book to parents more times than I can count.
I came across it when I was feeling like my 14 year old son was drifting
further and further from me, and I wanted find a bridge that would help me
connect with him so that we could re-establish an open line of
communication. It was exactly what we
needed, and 3 ½ years later I still use what I learned from that book.
***
If you have resources that you’ve found to be helpful in guiding your
parenting, PLEASE SHARE, right here in the comments section. And please let me know how it’s going. J
